March: An update.

Well hello there. It has been a while. It seems I am due for an update.

Jordan & I turned a year older this month (27 & 24 respectively).  I get to share a birthday month with my hubby (AND hubby’s wonderful sister. Twins you know). Isn’t that special?  I really love it!  We both had very fun, relaxing birthday celebrations. I got a massage (so did he) which is pure bliss in my opinion.  If we had money growing on our trees I would get a massage every week. Or maybe even every day. I got to do a some shopping on my day (yipee).  Jordan got some new books, a delicious (if I do say so myself) homemade dinner & cake and we watched some more Band of Brothers.  Now this may not seem like a crazy fun birthday to you – but those are some of his most favorite things in the world – books, cake, band of brothers – and ME!

Hudson turned another month older.  7. He is seven months old!!

Geez.

Who said my baby could grow up?! Momma did NOT say!

Seriously though.  He is SUCH a joy. He has (sort of) learned to crawl. I’ve never seen another kiddo “crawl” quite like he does – it’s slightly weird.  He gets up on his hands & knees and then sort of flings himself forward.  It is like the baby version of “the worm”. He can scoot around pretty quickly though! He also (sort of) army crawls.  More like he just drags himself forward.  If he would just army crawl he would be SO FAST.  Yet he is so determined to be up on his hands & knees.  He just hasn’t quite figured out how to move his arms & legs in a synchronized, forward-motion, fashion.  His “flying squirrel” crawl gets him around, just not quite as quickly. I am not complaining about that!! He is already so into things. It is a whole new world of discipline.

He has recently learned how to drink out of a sippy cup (the straw kind), he sleeps 12-13 hours at night and takes 2 (1.5-2 hr) naps during the day (we only recently dropped the 3rd evening nap). He has tried and liked {organic} brown rice, oatmeal, barley, bananas, apples, grapes, plums, pears, nectarines, prunes, avocado, mango, carrots, peas, summer squash, green beans, pumpkin, whole milk yogurt.  Dislike: butternut squash & initially peas – but now he seems to enjoy them. Still gnawing on everything in sight, but no teeth. He has been a little grumpy this week so maybe they are on the way.

Jordan is currently in Philadelphia at a church planting conference.  He left Wednesday and comes home tomorrow – hip hip hooray!! I am so glad that he was able to go and can’t wait to hear all about it – and to have him back home with us.  I really love my people.  A whole bunch. Especially my man. He gets to go to India the end of next month to help with a pastor’s conference.  He’ll be there for about 2 weeks.  So I’ve just viewed this trip as the “prep”. We will miss him bunches and bunches but I am so so so excited! It is the next best thing to going myself. More details the India trip later.

March has been a month of joy & also of grief.  Last year our former pastor and very dear friend Barry Keldie very suddenly & tragically passed away.  This year Jordan & I experienced a miscarriage.

I am going to share about it.  First – because I believe it will be good & healthy to put thoughts to “paper”, second – because I want my children to know what it was like while we were in the midst of it (or at least not very far removed from it), and thirdly – because so many women have experienced the same loss but it is so personal, no one really talks about it. Which I understand.  But I want to be open about it, so that I will be able to mourn with those who mourn.

Let me just testify that God is so good.  Even in the midst of deep sorrow. I don’t say that because it is what I am “supposed” to say because I am a “good christian” or a “pastor’s wife”.  But because it is true.  I could say it before, but I had never personally experienced a trial/sorrow like this one.

*What follows is a little long, please don’t feel obligated to read it, there are some pictures of sweet Hudson at the end. Feel free to skip to them*

We found out that we were pregnant on February 19th.  Hudson’s 7 month birthday. Which means they would have been about 14 months apart.  Which, believe it or not, I was super excited about! We weren’t necessarily trying. We had stopped using birth control (for a couple reasons). We want our babies to be close together and it took us a long time to get pregnant with Hudson, so I just assumed it would take as at least 3 or 4 months to get pregnant again.

But, lo and behold.  We got pregnant right off the bat.  We only found out because I took a random test (this is so weird) because I was super hot at night.  Like kicking off the covers and scooting away from Jordan hot – which never happens. I am usually always freezing at night. Weird, huh?

We went to the Dr. and did blood work, which came back great.  I was SUPER early, but my hormones were increasing appropriately.  So we told our parents.  Then on March 2nd I started spotting. I knew some spotting/bleeding could be normal, but I just had a feeling in my gut that this wasn’t.  The next day spotting turned into bleeding.  We went back to the Dr for more blood work. The really stinky thing about being very early is that blood work is all they can do – because nothing shows up on ultrasound – and the labs results take about 24 hours to get. So we told a whole bunch of people what was going on and asked them to pray that this would be “normal” bleeding and the Lord would spare our child. And we waited. And waited. And waited.

In the midst of this whole process my husband was such a rock.  I cannot describe how thankful I am to be married to this man. He held me and cried with me and prayed over me and spoke the Word over me. He is a tangible reminder of God’s grace in my life.

On Friday (March 4) my doctor called – we had lost the baby.

It is a weird grief.  The loss of a tiny someone we never really knew but in 2 short weeks we had come to love so dearly. A part of me thought, “It would be so much easier if we had just never known. If we could have just thought that I was having a period”. But though we will probably never understand fully, there is a reason that we were supposed to know, and in the end I am so thankful that we did.  That child brought us such joy and anticipation for two weeks.

The sadness comes in waves and hits me at the strangest moments. Now, 3 weeks out, the sadness is fewer and farther between. I can testify that His peace does pass all understanding.  The Lord has been gracious to heal my heart quickly. Don’t get me wrong, it will always be a loss. There will always be a sense of sorrow, but I have not despaired. And that is simply a testimony to the grace of our God and the comfort it is to know that he is sovereign, for it is certainly not by my own strength.

Through the whole process the Lord kept impressing upon me Psalm 145:17: The Lord is righteous in all His ways and kind in all His deeds. It was His kindness to give us the baby, His kindness to give us knowledge of the baby, and it was His kindness to take it away so soon.

So. We grieve. But we trust that He is in control and that He does all things for His glory and for our good. And we trust that He will continue to grow our family in His perfect time.

I am also so super thankful for my beautiful son. He is truly such a joy! Here are some pictures of his sweet self.

*i love this because he snuggled there looking out the door for almost 10 minutes & he is never still that long! so sweet.

*isn’t he just the cutest punkin’ you have ever seen?!


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